We began planning our European trip months ahead. As always, I tried to make sure our destinations were as smoker-friendly as possible. Thirteen of the sixteen German Länder provide for indoor smoking bars, as do many of the Swiss cantons. The occurrence of these Raucherkneipen unfortunately thin out considerably as one travels south of the Alps, but this is compensated for by weather that is more conducive to outdoor socializing. 

We’d decided on two nights in Milan as it was halfway between Konstanz and Sanremo and also home to our friend Francesco. By January, we’d already booked the hotel and told Francesco we were coming. My wife approached me one evening and said, “Honey, I read something about Milan that you’re not going to like.” She went on to elaborate that Milan was instituting an OUTDOOR smoking ban, by which one could not light up within ten feet of another person. 

This sort of thing already exists de facto in the USA, where an outdoor table does not sport an ashtray and al fresco smoking is often expressly forbidden. 

The news put me in a negative state of mind towards the Milan segment of the trip and I made sure to get all my licks in at the previous stop, Konstanz, home of the delightful Pilsbar Zur Schmiede, where I spent three very pleasant evenings, the final one with Christoph, before our departure southward. 

I am pleased to report that the Milan Outdoor Smoking Ban exists in no physical universe, at least not the Milan I visited. There were ashtrays on the outdoor tables and people smoking. It didn’t even appear to be an ignored regulation, as there were not even signs promoting it.  I breathed a smoke-filled sigh of relief.

The hotel we stayed at boasted a rooftop bar with a grand view of the city. I decided to go up for my before-bed smoke. Several hosts in faux-tuxedo jackets greeted me as I exited the elevator. One showed me to a “table”– really an abbreviated plank attached to the railing – and said her colleague would be with me shortly. 

I was perfectly willing to buy a drink and enjoy the nocturnal view while I smoked, but no colleague showed up, so I finished and left.

I related this anecdote to my companions and we all had an appreciative chuckle, as we’d noticed the farther south we went, the less attentive service seemed to be. Ironically, the rooftop bar was far from understaffed.

The second night, I ventured skyward once again, wondering if the same non-event would take place. It didn’t, exactly, but don’t imagine for a second that I ended up with a drink. I found my own seating and a gentleman sporting a Salvador Dali-style moustache came up and asked me if I was happy. I told him I was. I guess I should have added that I’d be happier with a drink, but that seemed a tad pushy and who wants to come off as an Ugly American?  Especially now.

He shook my hand enthusiastically, complimented me on my own moustache and strutted away. Once more, no one ever materialized to take my order. I smoked my cigarette and left. My party and I had enjoyed aperitifs there earlier with no problem. Maybe the spectacle of me all by my lonesome inspired revulsion and the staff thought it best not to encourage my custom?

On my way out, I chanced to glance up to where the wall met the roof and noticed a small lamp, of the kind that usually indicates fire equipment storage. The lettering on it proclaimed “Vietato Fumare”: “Smoking Forbidden.” All this time I, and countless others had been puffing away in what was officially a No Smoking area! Viva Italia!

The next morning, we departed for the Riviera, where we spent several joyous sun-drenched days in Sanremo and Cannes.

We flew home from Nice on Delta. Delta has, to my mind, the most laughably annoying preflight anti-smoking announcements. Previously, they’ve gone to the trouble of reminding us that even smokeless tobacco products are verboten. Really?  Isn’t the smoke allegedly the reason for the ban in the first place? 

This year is Delta’s 100^th anniversary, and they made a special preflight safety presentation to reflect that. It features real-life flight attendants in period costume from each decade of Delta’s existence focusing on a particular point. In one, the 1960’s, if I remember correctly, long before airline (or any) smoking bans, a man pulls out a cigarette and puts it in his mouth. The woman beside him waves a finger in is face indicating smoking is a no-no. The man looks disgruntled, while the woman looks into the camera with a huge, smug smile on her face and an obviously computer-generated twinkle in her eye.  This inspired me to display a certain one of MY fingers to the screen.

I’m home now and settling back into my daily life. Last night, I went to see a friend’s band at what would have been a great “dive” bar, except that you couldn’t light up.  Can’t wait for my next escape.